Turning 30

January 8, 2024

Stream of consciousness: A few things I want to do with this blog post. Outline the ideals behind this project. Where did it come from? Why do I want to pursue it? What do I hope to gain from it?

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Turning 30 felt disgustingly overblown. I could only really see it as a meaningless social tradition. It’s just another day. But then again, in many ways, it’s not just another day. As I now begin to contextualize 30 as the start of a new decade rather than simply a year that has passed, or a mundane day (which it still arguably is, let’s be honest), and as I reflect on how different I am from a decade ago, I am feeling somewhat optimistic for the first time in a while.

I’ll elaborate in the next post, but for the majority of 2022/2023, I was in what I had thought to be a creative rut of sorts. I tried taking on new hobbies, new lifestyles, but nothing seemed to spark an inkling of drive. Now that I look at my initial reaction to turning 30, I think the rut went far deeper than just feeling uninspired creatively. I struggle with feeling inspired about living. Perhaps it is depression (a form of or close cousin of depression may be more apt to say), but I feel compelled to describe it as an actual failure to identify any logical reason to continue to conform to a society that continues to devolve into frenzied consumerism, branded sustainability, commodified wellness. I know it will correct its course after it reaches one end of the pendulum, but how long will it take to then swing back 75% in the opposite direction, 75 back in this direction, 50, 50, 25, 25, middle? It is not a step towards not living in my case; it is an utter loss at finding reasons to step towards living. The result was kind of just standing in limbo.

I met with a counsellor in December who specializes in gifted adults and highly sensitive persons. In our first session, I shared that I feel that I have been experiencing extreme brain fog, a lowered baseline of happiness, a subdued range of emotions, and a complete inability to describe my values. After a few sessions, I began reading The Gifted Adult by Mary-Elaine Jacobsen. I am not quite sure how I feel about the book now that I am nearing its end, but I do know that I felt insultingly seen. Insulting because I hate the thought of fitting so neatly into a box of traits, but I cannot deny that I saw a lot myself written between its pages—well “pages” since I’m reading it on a dying Kobo from 2015.

As I was reading, I revisited the picture of Joon that lives in my mind. I glanced back at myself a decade ago, 5 years ago, and back to today. I cannot quite articulate it, but it is evident to me that some things have been pruned. Some pragmatic choices, some absolutely necessary to resolve some horrid cognitive dissonance, but some truly, truly saddening.

Scraping away at this sedimentary canvas, I uncovered traces of frantic erasure and frustrated strikeouts, smothered by attempts at painting over them to start anew. I’m still trying to make out what is accurate and what has been manufactured, what is worth correcting or reviving—and this is where the project began to take form.

I suspect I need to write. I need to question and shake the dust off of my brain. It would be helpful to have a centralized place to house these learnings for ease of access later on. I lack discipline. I would like to feel. I lack mastery of any kind. I need to learn. I’ve overemphasized the intangibles. I need inspiration.

With Welcome to 30, I believe it allows a flexible enough framework that can help me address these needs and wants. It can produce tangible memories and moments that I can look back on, explore, feel, share. It can challenge me creatively, technically, and cognitively. It also combats the incessant need to keep up with technology, social media trends, or gear. It strips away excuses or over reliance on waiting for inspiration to strike. It can be propelled by anger, by elation, by stillness.

At least I hope it does—I’m sure it will need tweaking over the years.

And what I really appreciate: it has multiple potential endings. It excites me that it could end in 1-2 years or very well run until I’m 40. I can repeat this project with a different camera if I’m ahead of schedule. Perhaps the camera dies from an accident or harsh weather conditions instead of running through its shutter. Only time will tell.

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Frankly, I’m just excited to be me again.

-J

Mandatory selfie shot.